Over the past few posts I have been discussing methods for the non-custodial parent to increase his visitation. Today I discuss how to say no to those requests that you are receiving from the non-custodial parent.
So, how does one say “no” to a request for extra visitation? I tell you how to do it by following our basic rules for saying “no”.
Keep these rules in mind:
- Be Polite. Don’t make this personal, you don’t have to tout your rights as the decision-maker, simply say “I am sorry, we can’t”
- Be Firm and straightforward. Make a decision and let the other parent know. It is not cool to simply avoid the other person. If you mean no, say “no” and don’t leave any ambiguity in your decision. Tell the other parent you don’t agree and move on.
- Give a Good (Neutral) Reason. You should have a good reason to tell the other parent “no”. When he asks for more time tell him why you disagree with the request. Again, you shouldn’t make this personal, don’t focus on why you don’t think he is responsible enough, or “good enough” to have the visit– focus on the child’s needs (school, bedtime, other activities, prior plans, etc). This keeps the reason more neutral than making a negative comment about the other parent.
- Offer Alternatives. If you disagree with the other parent’s request, then you should offer an alternative that you can agree with. Change the times, the places, the activities, but give the other parent an alternative to do something that you can and will allow.
Here is an example of a refusal that follows these rules:
I am sorry, John, but I don’t think it is best for Cassey to go to Skateland tonight. She has a test tomorrow in Spanish and she still does not know her vocabulary words. If you want, you can pick her up after school tomorrow and keep her for dinner. She needs to be back by 8 pm. Let me know.
Here is an example of a refusal that breaks all the rules:
What? On a school night? Are you crazy? You never bring her back on time. I can’t count on you and until you change, I can’t let you have her. Stop bothering me about this, you have your court-ordered time and that is enough.
Keep up the hard work!